It's when I'm calm that's the problem.
It was the problem at Cam's, it was the problem with the pills, it was the problem at the unit.
When I am calm I don't think so much, I don't stop and consider. Most of all the emotions are that much worse when they come.

Yeah, I know that no one cares what I have to say because I am attention seeking and full of shit and all that. I guess that that is why this is in my first diary. Going back to the roots, back before online diaries were a problem, back in the days of virginity, back when Jared was my obsession and that was good enough for me. I thought I was the shit back then. Sure, I knew some of the things I know now but I had this nice little way of not thinking abut it. I could be tortured, I could write an insanely emotional entry but I wouldn't be feeling anything. This was back when I started burning. Fuck everything else, the first time is always the most special. Not the best and certainly not the most memorable but always the most special.

Yes, I have learnt to say most special instead of specialist, more funny instead of funnier.

First times are always special... If not at the time then in hindsight.
I have had an amazing amount of first times at things, they all feel so unique, they always make me feel like no one else knows how it feels but most people have done most of them before. So I guess that while they feel special to me they mean nothing to anyone else. I mean who really cares about my first time burning? Who cares about my first time cutting, getting drunk, throwing up... Haha, my mother doesn't remember what my first words were.
Of course she doesn't. Why would she? No one ever remembers other people's first experiences.

Actually, no, not true. I remember the first time he had sex, I was there, we were drunk... But then again, I am at a loss to think of much else.
So I guess I was half way right to begin with.

Yeah, I'm fueled by crappy emotions that everyone's telling me don't exist.
it's funny when they tell em that because I know, just know, that in a few days [hours, minutes] they'll be venting all of their shitty little emotions to me, wanting me to feel empathy or sympathy or horniness or something towards them.
Some other feeling, but they won't call it fake because that's the way that they want me to [pretend to] feel.

Drink beer, drink beer, drink beer! Why? Well, 'cause it makes you slow and stupid and docile and that's the way we'd like you to be.

Bill Hicks.

Not much of a rant, some what pitiful, if it even qualifies for that.
if anyone ever reads this I know that they'll laugh.
Always do. But that's okay with me, it gives me some sense of security, it's consistency. If you can't rely on people to hate and ridicule you, what can you rely on?

I love the way we see experiences. How we can be completly, totally, 100% convinced that this is the worst things can ever get. That this si the worst break up we'll ever go through, that this is the wosr overdose we'll ever take, that this si the drunkest we'll be, that this is the worst that things can possibly ever get.
And then something else happens, you do something else.
And you go daaaaamn, well, now that I've hit this new low [high] there's no way I/ it can get any worse.
The cycle repeats.
And repeats.
Until eventually you know that things will keep doing this until, you hope, it's all eventually killed.

There is a sort of depression where the patient becomes incapable of suicidal thought because they are beyond the lowest of the low. Apperenlt recovery sucks for those people because they can get well enough to be suicidal and then they realized that things can get worse than suicidal and so they pull the plug while they still have the capicity to.

Ranting is such a release, I like opening up myself like this. And it's wonderful to know that most people who hate me are probably too lazy to read all of this. the again, so is anyone else.
But I suppose that this is for me.
Kind of has to be.

Enough for now, expect more.
Lauren.