I just found this when I was going through old notepad documents; I think its a few weeks old:

I want to curl up in a little ball with a bottle of something, a blade and Linkin Park on in my bedroom in the corner under a blanket. Strange how I used to think alcohol was the devil that it was so so bad and I was going to die if I had so much as one sip. Oh, how time and experience do change our points of view. I realise now that it is good it is wonderful. I mean, come on, I used to think that pain and blood were so bad and so terrible and so disgusting, but now... now I live for them. They are good and perfect. They are as close as I will come to perfect, to being like everyone else. See everyone feels pain the same so pain makes me the same. And everyone bleeds the same. Fuck skin colour, fuck gender, fuck religion, we all have the same thing flowing through our veins, the same life force.

There was the start of more junk attached to the end of that but it annoyed me, so I deleted it.

And this is something I wrote on the bus the other day, if you are protective of your depression or are easily offended then you might wanna leave now.

Can't say I didn't warn you...

Depression doesn’t make you special. It doesn't make you any different from everybody else (whoever “everybody else” is). It doesn’t mean you should be treated any differently, it doesn’t give you extra privileges. Just because you think of death (how fucking stupid is that? Why go to the trouble of speeding up the inevitable?) or take too many pills (get the fuck over it, will you?) or slit your goddamn wrists (why make yourself uglier than you already are?) doesn’t mean you’re “deep”. It doesn’t make you beautiful, it doesn’t make you ugly, it doesn’t make you mysterious. All it does is make you hated and ridiculed. And let’s be honest, who wants that? Just because you want depression, doesn’t mean you’re cool.

So, yeah… I dunno why I wrote that. I sat at the back of the bus on Tuesday and just went for my life on a page in my maths book. Kinda stupid really, it really just mocks me when I think about it. But then it also mocks a whole bunch of other people. On the same bit of paper I also wrote this thing around a random idea I’d had about the stench/ smell of death and how it’s different for every person. I came up with that one when I was sitting in the bath smoking the morning after I cut myself. I also wrote in big leters "HOW ALONE DO YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW?", it’s my favourite quote at the moment, this chick on Boston Public said it. I also wrote "please tell me that everything is wonderful now".

I’m weird.

Peace,

Lauren.

P.S. Please feel free to comment on anything that I wrote. :)