i put more stuff in the links thing, it looks good. go to it

second update today

i'm listening to the middle by jimmy eat world. and i am ffeeling crappy. i am listening to the words and i can hear the desperation in them. everything is not ok, everything won't be ok. that is what he's really singing. he's just trying to convince himself otherwise.

now i am listening to please bleed by ben harper. i know the feeling of this too. they hurt him so much that he cant believe a person could be that evil. so he wants them to prove they're real. maybe its his fault he got hurt. but whatever he means, blood proves life. its as simple as that. if youre not real you dont bleed. but if you do bleed you are real.

it's all about proving whats true and what not. but what if the world's tricking you. what if its all one big trap. you're stuck. no escape.

i am feeling really bad. i woke up early and felt ok, good even. then it all sortta slid downhill.

thw word downhill makes me think of the cute little fox thing:

alex made a little fox dude is design tech and i wanna put blue eyeshadow on it. he had one drawn on his book so i coloured over it's eyes in blue. when we get our new computer and photoshop i am gonna make a fox thingy with blue eyeshadow.

but we all already knew im weird.

"they say jump you say how high" know that feeling too.

everything is meaning so much or so little to me today.

ying

yang

today i have eaten chocolate buttons (7) and choc biscuits (2) because it makes me better. all better. give me control. i have no control. i mean, last night i did a picture thing and it needed some colour on it coz it was just blue pen so i didnt even think of felts or coloured pencils. i just thought of blood. so i cut myself for the sole purpose of making a picture look slightly better. didnt even make it look that much better. didnt hurt though. cutting, i mean. next to no pain. slight sting at the beginnning then nothing.

empty blood.

*sigh*

i'll go

leave

die?

no

mum and mary come home soon

be alive.

should be alive

coz when one comes home one expects the people/ person there to be living.

maybe not live

or maybe not living

but one of them.

one

just one

not none

none = bad

one = good

lauren