Day was a good day, pity it didn't feel good. I am so lonely. So fucking lonely. I am away so much and miss everything. He doesn't want me. You know it, I know it, he sure as hell knows it. It kinda sucks. I stole blades after school. It was a half day. I didn't found out it was a half day till I go to school. Wouldn't have bothered if I had known. Got really badly triggered in English, we were watching bladerunner, the guy stuck a nail right through his hand. Have switched my BUSmail off. I can't handle myself, let alone other's. If I don't read your diary for ages it prolly means that it is triggering me. ::SIGH:: SI is good. But it isn't enough. I love you all. I love every person who has bothered to come and read my thoughts. Though I am may not like you at times, I still love you. That extends to people beyond thhis diary. Like is not nessicery for love. I don't like how people sya there is no such thing as love. Even though I have said it before. It is a lame thing to say. Love is real, though the word can be misused so easily. I love all of my friends. I love[d] all people who have ever been my friends. Love in relationships is just a different sort of love. I have been cutting alot lately. I now have 4 blades that could kill me and 2 others. I have only used 1 of the 4 scary blades. I am going to go back to cutting my stomach and ribs. Sorry Patchy. It is too stupid to cut my arms. Though I love it so much. Actually, I only love it when I feel it. I don't feel it often. Just sometimes. Not always. Sometimes. not always sometimes notalwayssometimesnotalwayssometimes notsometimes nottimes nottime not time. keep living. it is not time to die. it is not time to die. life could have so much to offer.

i like these things in my life:

friends (though I miss the ones I no longer have)

big red (the gum, not the soup or the cheerleader)

music

hugs, i really like hugs

polly, my cat

that's all i can think of at the moment. i took all the posters, about 150, down in my room. i need to put them back, i hate having nothing on my walls. thing is it takes me an hour or 2 of good solid concentration and energy, concertration and energy which i do not have.

"i hear a voice, it's saying dont be so blind, it's telling me all these things that you would proberbly hide, am i the reason you breath or am i the reason you cry... i feel like you don't want me around, i guess ill pack all my things, i guess i'll see you round... i just can't take anymore, this life of solitude, i love you i hate you i can't live without you... why would you TEAR my world apart?... i see the blood all over your hand doesn it make you feel more like a man? was it all just a part of your plan, the pistol's shaking in my hands and all i hear is the sound of always..."

always by saliva, good song. i love it. i love alot of things. i love blood and blades and fire... gah...

i am going to end up fucking myself up so badly and i am so sorry. i love you all, i really do. no, i don't think i am going to kill myself BUT i just want you all to know that if i am not here for ages there is a reason and, besides, i don't wanna die without saying goodbye. if i do die then it will be in %%diary-nsx%% , same if i go into hospital

love lauren