went completly crazy at my arm last night. it felt good. there was so so much blood, i have never bleed that much in my life. well not on prupose. and some of it even hurt. yay.

i hate the world at the moment. everyone pisses me off right now. especially myself.

i swear i have fucking well gotten uglier. it disgusts me to look at my reflection. or at myself for that matter. and i am gaining weight. fuck that.

i wanna slit my throat. i ams sick of slitting my wrists. i wanna stand naked in front of a mirror and cut the base of my throat open. right across between the muscles. and the blood will flow down my body. it will be warm and it will coat me.

i actually wanna die... again. but i wont coz i refuse to try while i have my period. don't ask, it's just a weird thing of mine.

wish i hate a lighter. i feel like bruning myself. but i only have matches. so fuck that.

fire

that is the sort of fire i want. i want a bonfire. i wanna set a building alight. one of those huge, echoing warehouses. fill it with dry rubbish and put gasoline everywhere. then get a match, light a reg, throw the rag and run like fuck. then hide as it all goes up in smoke.

itd be so beautiful.

it burns... i wish it'd burn...

this diary is so different from one it'd keep for real. i write more and its tidy. it isnt even about feelings anymore. its a huge hunk of bullshit. not gonna get rid of it, tho. its better than nothng. and nothing is gone.

--lauren