I went to the library today. Got CD's. Got some D & B crap for a laugh. It turned out to be ok O_o. I don't trust any song that has no words and it longer than about 6 minutes. It's just not right.

When I was going to the bus stop there was a 4 cars pile up thingy in town. I woulda see it if I hadn't gone the long way. But I missed it. I don't think anyone was seriously injured.

I am working on comments for all of my favourite diaries so gimme some time. =).

On the site where I got this template and %%diary-nsx%%'s template there was one called 'razorblade suitcase' in the section of template built around lyrics (ie 'my god, my tourniquet' which is a really good template but I liked this one a little bit better). So, anyway, at the library I was at young adult CDs are free to borrow for a week on a young adult card (the adult ones are $1 for a week) so I was looking through them and I found an album called 'razorblade suitcase', cool huh, it's by Bush. I also got that D & B crap that isn't actually crappy, 'True' by Trinity Roots (good, mellow music, they kicked some serious ass at WOMAD), 'Pacifier' by Pacifier (formally called Shihad but they had to change their name in order to try and get into the American market where they couldn't have gone under Shihad because it sounds so similar to Jihad, which is the Muslim word for holy war and this was just after September 11.. they did actually mean to call their band Jihad because they heard the word in a movie and thought it was Shihad not Jihad... there ya go, a brief history lesson) and 'Debut' by Bjork because I have heard so many good things about her.

As you may be able to tell I am procrastinating. I am procrastinating because I know that some people only read the beginnings of my entries then flag the rest if the beginning is boring. I am hopeing the one of them I am thinking of has done just that and isn't reading this.

I make little or no sense.

Anyway, I cut last night. that is what I am - was - avoiding writing. I was reading 'A Bright Red Scream: Self Mutilation and the Language of Pain' by Marilee Strong to try and trigger myself. I succeeded. After midnight I was laying in bed thinking. I was thinking - fantasizing - about cutting. I thought about it all and my need to slice and dice was far far greater than my want to stop hurting myself. So Igot my last blade, the only one I didn't give to Jared to throw away, out of my draw, rolled up my sleeve, and set to work. I think I did about 25 or so cuts. May have been more, may have been less. After a while I got frustrated at the lack of blood and pain so I did a really hard swing, as if the blade were blunt (which it most definityly was not, it was designed to cut woodden pencils) and it made a sickening slicing type sound when it tore through my flesh. It was quite wide and it took a few seconds to bleed. It was satisfying. So I did more big ones. After a while my arm started to go numb from the pain as it does. So i wrapped the arm in a bandage, put the blade and bloody tissues in my draw and lay down to go to sleep. A minute or so and I was fast asleep. This morning, getting ready to go to the library, I took of the bandage. 4 of the cuts started bleeding again. It hurt a shit load. At least I think it hurt... I am starting to think of pain as a good thing which is never smart.

::SIGH::

At the library I reserved Prozac Nation, Girl, Interrupted and The Fifth Sacred Thing. We have a copy of The Fifth Sacred Thing at home but it is very worn out. It is my mum's favourite book... it is basiclly sacred to her, so i thought I'd borrow a copy from the library. She hadn't let me read it before because of the, what she calls, 'raunchy' sex scenes. Now she thinks I am old enough to get over it. I am so intruiged by The Fifth Sacred Thing because my mum lends it to everyone and she swears by it. It is always on or by her bed, unless it is leant to someone. I am intruiged.

I wanna write something here but apperently I have to ask Laura first. LATER ahk I asked Laura: LAURA AND BEN ARE GOING OUT OOOOO YAY HEEHEEHEE

::HMPH::

I like repetitive things so I dunno why I never liked this music before. Meh. OMG!!!! I think it had someone singing in it! How fucking magical! Not that you can understand what they are saying or anything...

I am sick to death of Jared. (I don't care if he is reading this). I mean I just keep liking him and I keep fooling myself. Sure, he might want me in a physical sense, but he doesn't want anything else. it sucks. I mean, he may have liked me as more than an object once upon a time but those days are over. I am nothing but an object. Not even a pretty object. I am one of those objects that you get from that Aunty who always kisses you, pinches your cheek and tells you how much you've grown since she last saw you that you put away in the back of a draw until she enxt comes around when you drag it out and display it. I am not a desierable object. I have no place on his shelf. Fuck that is lame. LOL. Pathetic.

I cut for the sake of cutting. I said I'd never do that. I just had no reason to stop. Well, I had reasons, they just weren't enough.

"Hey Bush, whatdaya say, how many kids have you killed today?"

Sorry that ^^ was random.

Noone has seen me wearing a tshirt in a very long time. Noone has seen how thin I am getting. You know how sometimes you see those people on tv or in magazines or whatever who's arms are all flesh and bone? Like you can see the tendons and things on the tops of their arms when they lift them up and it is really gross and you think 'fuck she's skinny, she must be anorexic or something'? Well that is what my arms look like. It is disgusting. And it isn't my fault. It's just that everytime I eat something fatty or sugary or whatever I stop digesting food. Which means no matter what I eat I don't absorb it. I don't get the vitamins, the protein, the fiber, the fat or anything out of it. So my body burns up all of it's fat reserves. It sucks so damn bad. And it makes me weak as hell. =(. But I am getting better. I have energy now, sometimes. I can stand up for longer periods of time.

::SIGH::

Life's a bitch and so am I.

I'll prolly cut again tonight, though I didn't get any more blades in town. I had enough money to and I have enough skill to have shoplifted them, but I didn't. Maybe I should have, but I didn't.

Lauren