I went a little bit crazy last night. I now have a whole bunch of smallish, shallowish (pointlessish) cuts on my arm as well as the word 'slut'. See, what happened was I was trying out various clothes I own and I was dressed in a t-shirt and jeans and I looked so damn girly and I realized that that just was just not me. Like, the girl staring back at me looking kinda happy and kinda girly and kinda cool and kinda carefree and it just... it just freaked me out. Because it made me realize that I am fake. Most of what I am is fake and the rest of it is just all the things that I never wanted to be (like the way I behave, the fact that I do soemthing bad that I can't stop etc etc etc). I scare myself. how sad is that?!? I mean, I've said it before and I'll say it again, if I can't handle myself how the FUCK am I supposed to handle anyone/ anything else?

I dunno, I'm mianly just feeling really stupid.

As a result of my little stressy thingy I didn't get to sleep until a bit after 5 am. See, one of the only things that is garunteed to make me go to sleep is the sunrise. Kinda weird, I know. Ah well, I am going to see my doc after school tomorrow and I'll see if she can't perscribe me some sleeping pills or something.

Today in health two chicks from CANTEEN (a support group for victims of cancer aged 13-24 and their families) and a little way into thier' talk Virgil just up and stormed out. I followed him out coz he needed someone with him. See, Virgil's little sister is dying form some terminal illness (I think it has something to do with her heart, poor babe) and the people form CANTEEN talking about all of that triggered Virgil so damn bad. Anyways, we went up to the classroom of this teacher who he gets along with and he just wouldn't talk to me and I had no idea what to say.

*sigh*

Had to make it about myself, aye?

I dunno... everything's all very confusing lately. And everyone's getting all fucked up so my fucked-up-ed-ness isn't special anymore. I'm just another screwed up angsty little wretch.

LOL... where'd that come form? I'm not unhappy. I'm not happy either, but that ain't the point.

Peace,

Lauren