Shut up, I know this is the second time I have written in here in the last couple of hours.

In like half an hour I have to watch Bladerunner agian. At the end this dude sticks a nail through his hand... it is the most triggering thing I have ever watched in fiction. But we are studying it in English (whoo-fucking-who) so I have to watch it and make a poster on it (which I am gonna get a not acheieved for anyway but oh well).

I let far too many people read this diary now-a-days. I mean far too many people I know in real life. Laura, Alice, Ben, Sophie, Jared, Cam, Leon, that other person... and now Brady.

Yay for me.

Haven't cut properly for about 8 days. Well I did scratch at school but that was a fucking terrible day and it hardly even drew blood.

Mmmm... blood...

I creep myself out somewhat.

Oh well.

I hate dreaming so much. Every night when I am on the brink of sleep last nights dreams [nightmares] flash through my head and I don't want to sleep. Soemtimes I don't. Sometimes the memories are enough to bring me back to full conciousness.

Example (the dreams I had last night that I remember): I got raped by this guy from school, I had to kill myself because I killed my cat, my mum was murdered by my father because I had refused to poose for him in photographs and do sexual things on/ to/ with him (he burnt our house down with her in it as he had threatened to do when I was young)... etc

My dreams are alot nicer now than when I was little when I'd wake up covered in sweat and vomit.

But noone wants to hear about that and I don't wanna think about that so...

I remember last year at school this girl, Amy, gave a speech about self-injury to my year level. A couple of weeks before hand the dean had called myself and this girl, Staci, who's older sister cut herself, into her office and told us that Amy was going to be giving this speech and we didn't have to go. She said that it'd be at the next year level assembly. So we went to the assembly (ready to leave at a moments notice) but she didn't give the seech. A couple of weeks later she did and so we left (Staci couldn't stand staying, I didn't mind, it was kinda sad she couldn't handle it... she's such a selfish cow... not the point) and went to our next spell class. When the rest of the class got there they were making all of these 'secret cutter' jokes. It was so triggering and so sad. I went along with all the jokes, laughed like everyone else at the idea of someone taking a blade to their own flesh. Staci sat there and didn't laugh; she looked like she was about to laugh.

Everyone thought she was a cutter for ages after that.

I don't know why I wrote that but it remind me of something that happened in history this year...

This chick, Hanna, was mocking Jared about cutting and I'd been listening for ages so I decided to join in (I think this was just after one of the times that Jared had been an asshole to me, there's been far too many to remember which one...).

Lauren: "What you talking about"

Hanna: "Did you know that Jared cuts himself?"

Lauren: "OMG!! that is so disgusting!"

Hanna: "I know! It's gross!"

And so it continued.

Good times.

It's 7:21. I don't wanna watch Bladerunner at half past.

*you can't make me*

But I'll only have to watch up to the 1st hour of it coz I'm watching it with mum so we can mock it so we won't watch much coz we ain't watching it insteed of SVU.

I am procrastinating coz I like talking to 3rd formers better than watching Bladerunner.

I'm s'posed to be a 3rd former but I got put up a year.

Literally nothing else to write now,

--Lauren