It's been nearly a week since I wrote in this thing, I haven't wanted to write while I was happy because I know that I don't like reading about people when they're happy when they obviously don't deserve it so I thought I'd save you lot the eye rolling.

I should still be happy, this time yesterday I had every reason to be happy. But then I fucked it up. I always fuck it up don't I? Yes, I do.

I cut last night. That's how I fucked up. I mutilated some of my left arm, now there is literally no space left on a patch of about 10 cm x 10 cm. It is disgusting.

When I was cutting I got right into it, I went hard out. I didn't use one of my "real" blades I used a one form a pencil sharpener that I stole a while ago. It still did a decent ammount of damage though. So, anyway, I was right into it with my usual mantra of "stupid, bitch etc" going through my head then suddenly I just |stopped| I couldn't stand what I was doing. I grabbed the bloody tissues and the blade and I shoved them all in a draw. Then I whipped all the blood off my mouth [how could he ever want to hold a hand that could do this? or kiss lips that had been coated in blood?], bandaged my arm, turned of the light, hid under my blanket and cried.

In the space of 10 minutes I had fucked up everything. I fucked up my arm and my happiness and my love. I fucked it all up. So I stayed home from school today. I stayed in bed imagining what he was gonna say if/ when he found out [he reads this diary you stupid girl. will he have made it this far? or will he have turned his head away in disgust?], then mum called so I [that doesn't deserve to be capitalized] feigned headache then grabbed a couple of towels and a ciggarette and ran a bath. i got in the bath and smoked the ciggarette [should've shoved the burning hot thing in your arm, you've already fucked up, why not carry on? fuck up properly] then just lay there for ages. Eventually i let out the water and just lay there naked. i think i lay there in that empty bath for longer than i lay in it when it was full. Then i made me some fatty food and came down here, to the ocmputer.

I really hate myself right now [and so you should you little fucktard]. I'd let myself be happy, let myself think that all was well, that all could stay well. How stupid I am, how very very stupid [got the right idea now girly].

I've lost him, I just know it.

I'm sorry.