My mother frustrates me so much sometimes. It's like can't you keep control of your own fucking body, woman?!? I hate it so so so much when she switches. It is like a claw through me. In a bad way.

Will is really angry at me and he's threatening me. No fair, I barely did anything wrong.

Mum and I aren't going to the folk festival so we'll be without Mary for 3 days (thank you lord!). But, as I was informed a earlier, mum is going to some thing up north the next weekend which means 3 days just me and Mary. Whoo-fucking-who.

I had a good day today. I was fine all day. Wish I hadn't opened that email from Will when I got home. I feel like a hunk of crap now. I am a hunk of crap but I prefer not to feel like it.

"i dont want to threaten any one but if i find out that you told people and it got out i would have to make your life hell"

Ummm... newsflash... isn't that threatening me Will?

:: cries ::

I am so pathetic, I can't even handle a little bit of hate. He's my ex boyfriend, he's supposed to hate me.

Oh, and I have figured out that Brady doesn't recognise me. Yay. Coz he says he hasn't seen me 'round, but, thing is, I've seen him loads. Oh fucking well.

Plus Patchy has decided he doesn't want it all to be over. I should be happy or something but I just can't be bothered with the guilt and the fights... even if it is worth it. Though he does talk about lots of chicks lately (tho he is talking to ME about them) but maybe that means there'll be less guilt this time 'round. I hope there'll be a 'this time round' well i think i do... i can't be without my patchy.

I also feel like a sick sick very dirty person. I mean some of what I wrote yesterday, along with some other stuff I wrote, is... well... disgusting, really. Writing about rape and abuse and dominatrix is gross. My young mind is not supposed to sprout this sort of obscenity. No one's mind should. And only rapist's and creep's minds do. Not mine. I am not a rapist (how can I be?) and I prefer to think I am not that sort of creep.

And I can't stop cutting. No, that's wrong... I can stop, I just don't want to. Like I was doing perfectly fine, no urges, no nothing, I was doing great. So I cut. Because I was feeling fine. Fuck that shit.

An island that cannot be found but by those who know where it is says:

im gon hrt u

Oh, dear Patchy, don't get me started on how much I want you to have my blood. Again.

Damnit... that feeling of hopelessness is returning. it's alllll coming back.

Die, Lauren, you stupid slutty bitch. Die. Die bitch die. Die. Kill. Hate. Violence. Sex. Love. Die. Kill...

--Lauren