PLEASE DISREGARD THIS ENTRY

What happens when I snap? What happens when igot completly over the edge? I am essentially home alone for the next 2 weeks (school holidays) and I know that I am gonna fuck up. I am gonna end up in the bath tub with no water, a whole lot of blood, a whole lot of pills and a whole lot of alcohol. I know it. Maybe he's right. Maybe I do need help. But I don't want to get help, I don't. I mean everytime I've gotten "help" or tried to it has hurt me more. Maybe I am a lost cause.

WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?!?

I don't need help... I don't even want help.

Fuck I'm confused.

I wanna just curl up on my bed with a razor and LP on the radio. But that's not happening. Is it? Actually I might make it happen tomorrow. Or tonight. Most likely tonight.

See, I hate myself. i really do. but mostly I hate... I don't know. I don't know if I even hate myself. maybe I'm just saying that coz that's what I'm supposed to think. Hell, i don't know. I don't know... anything.

I am passed wanting hugs and kisses and love. I am passed wanting sweet words and kind gestures and control. I am passed all of that. Now all I want is blood and pain and chaos. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

I want to smash stuff. I wanna rip soemhthing. I want to be ALLOWED to lose control. I never really realized how much I restrict myself, but I do, I really do. And now I wanna break free.

Cheesy

--Lauren