I am gonna stop cutting. Not SI, just cutting. it won't be easy, I won't enjoy it but it will be worth it. I am going fast downhill, in a bad way. I broke down this afternoon. A lay in my bed for about 20 minutes just sobbing my eyes out (I was in my bed because crying on the keyboard is never a good idea). I lost it. If I was going to kill myself then would have been when I did it. But I didn't. I went into mum and Mary's room and looked at the drugs they have. I could have killed myself right then. But I didn't. I didn't because there are at least 3 people I know who would go over the edge if I did.

Yes, I didn't kill myself for other people. I know I said I'd never do that. I guess I lied.

I am aiming for 14 days to start with. 14 days without cutting.

S'pose I should tell you that I lost it yesterday. I attacked my arms big tme last night. I also had to other sessions during the day. About 60 or 70 cuts all up. On my left arm and hand. I wanted to cut my neck but I didn't.

And about that whole wanting to die thing... During my hour long bath I decided I should make a list of things that I have to do before I think seriously about killing myself (yes, I know that fantasizing (mmmm fanta) about suicide is just another form of SI). I know it sounds kinda weird but it's a way of stopping me killing myself. Coz death is bad. Alright, so I can't actually think of anything much to put on the list. Only got 4 things, in fact. Not worth writing in here. heehee...

Haven't been to school this week. i hope to go tomorrow, I think one of the things making me depressed is that whole lonliness thing. Dunno what I'll so at lunch though coz people have choir and the library is shut on Wednesdays at lunch and interval. Meh. I'll find something to do. I have lots of good books out from the library so I'll take a couple of those with me if all else fails.

If I makes today it'll be 1 day cutting free. I will write the day at the heading of each entry. I amd etermined. I know I'll fail, but I am determined none-the-less.

Lauren