I guess I can't really want to die if I am still here. Still living. Not alive. I keep trying to be alive it's what everyone wants me to be and I s'pose it's what I want to be, but I am failing... I am failing so damn bad. It's 3PM, I have been awake for 3 hours and I have already done two, what I consider serious, cutting sessions. I have come so close to tears, curled up on the floor of the lounge listening to Iris, but I just couldn't cry. I want to so so much. And I am so so alone, I don't even have Messenger to talk to people on because it fucked up and I have to install a new version and that doesn't work. I feel so hopeless. Hopelessness, lonliness and anger are all I am feeling at the moment... oh, and light-headedness from blood loss. I wish I would feel pain insteed. I would trade all of those emotions for pain in an instant. But then that wouldn't be all that fair on the person I was trading with now, would it? I know where everything I need to kill myself is, but I don't know if I'd succeed, I'm not 100% so I don't wanna try. I don't even know if I really want to die. I think I just want out. I want to escape and history has taught us all that death is the only escape. I'm by myself but there are people everywhere, all around, outside, people wanting to help me, people not even knowing me, people wanting me, people hating me, people depending on me, people loving me, people careing about me, people wanting to love me, people wanting to kill me, people wanting to forget me...

"You're all by yourself but you're not alone."

[Bodies by Drowning Pool]

So true.

My hope is completly gone. There is no furture. I have fucked up completly and nothing in life can get me all the way out of it. I mean, I keep thinking I'm young, I have so long to get better, to get over it all and then I think what if I never get through it? What if there is no end to this? What if this is just the way I am? There are people who never get better, people who are mentally ill for their WHOLE LIFE. That is me. I am going to be like this forever and ever. I don't have ages to get better, I have forever to continue fucking up.

As I am writing this the computer is disconnecting me again and again, I feel like even that is taking away my chance of contact.

I have been screaming so damn loud for so damn long yet still I am wondering if I want to be heard. Because if I get 'help' it won't go away, but if I let things run their' course it might all just disappear, I might find everything I am looking for, but fucking hell! it'd be so much easier to find IT if I knew what the fuck IT was.

I am rambling but I need to ramble so i shall continue.

There is supposed to be so much I want to do in life, there is supposed to be so much hope in me, I am supposed to be celebrating my youth, but I don't want to do anything. The idea of sex scares me, I mean even TALKING about it now-a-days makes me feel ill, makes me think too much... I have no hope, I have no hope for the past going away, for the present getting better, for the future being bright - or for there even being a future...

"Youth is wasted on the young."

[Robbie Williams]

Yes, I listened to Robbie Williams, but that is the only line I ever knew. It is so fucking true.

People talk about words that have changed their' lives, you know what mine are? The words that pop into my mind whenever anything is bad? Or good? "No matter how bad things are they can always get worse"... Yup, those are the words I live by. And they have proved themselves true time and time again. I always say to be that things are at their' worst so there's only one way they can go and that is ^up... for them it might even be true. But for me it isn't.

"I tried so hard and got so far but in the end it doesn't even matter."

[In the End by Linkin Park]

Those words are true too. Nothing you do matters when it comes down to it. I mean, you can give so much in a relatiionship but it will always end, you can say so much to a cutter but they will always cut again, you can give so much hope and happiness to a child who has been hurt but that won't keep the pain away forever, you can bury so many memories but in the end they'll just come back and bite you in the arse.

Yesterday I was really high and happy then, thanks in large part to Ben, I got really angry and really depressed and that has stayed with me. Mum knew I was angry and sad so we went to see Legally Blonde 2 last night, it was total crap. And so then I was on a real high and I had a Perky Nana and a frozen Crunchie bar and I was feeling happy and high. Then, on the way home in the car, I saw an ad on the back of a bus. It was a HUGE razor blade, exactly like the ones you get from the hair thinny thingys. There was something along the blade, it looked dark, but I couldn't tell what it was. But the point is that there was a HUGE FUCKING PICTURE OF A BLADE ON THE BACK OF A MANA COACH SERVICE BUS! I went straight back to being angry and sad.

Crash and burn.

I need to have a bath or a shower but I don't want to see my bare skin. I want to avoid seeing my flesh as much as possible. Seeing my hands typing is bad enough. But I have a long sleeved (duh!) hoodie and long pants that almost cover my feet.

I cut my face before. It was only a small scratch though.

I counted up my money and I have enough for a couple of packets of cheap asprin.

I need to escape! Alcohol doesn't make me escaped, I tried it. And I don't know where to get drugs, not that I could proberbly afford them. And cutting is over. And I don't want to die. -

Well whadaya know, I don't wanna die

- And I don't know of much else that lets people escape. I need to escape. So badly. If I could stand human contact at the moment I'd go get a guy, but I don't thinbk I'd be able to stand human contact at the moment. Well, I might be able to if I could just be held but I that is beside the point coz, let's face it, noone'd wanna hold me.

All or nothing.

That's what they want.

"You were the last high"

[You Were the Last High by the Dandy Warholes]

That is what is on the radio.

I am eating tissues again. I do that when I'm sad or depressed or whatever.

Typing is good, so good, just writing is relaxing. Well, not really relaxing, just calming. It is constant. The keys are always in the same place and the letters always look the same.

The first of the bands coming to the Big Day Out (BDO, New Zealand's biggest and best music festival, which I am going to next year) in 2004 were announced earlier today. So I went to the BDO website (sorry, i am going to be an annoying music freak now, ok?) and so far:

+ Metallica (w00t!)

+ The Strokes (ick)

+ Basement Jaxx (no comment)

+ A Perfect Circle (yay <3)

+ The Datsuns (meh)

+ Scribe (New Zealand hip hop... enough said)

+ The Dandy Warholes (*grins*)

+ The D4 (exactly the same as the Datsuns)

+ The Mars Volta (who?)

+ The Flaming Lips (heard OF them, but haven't heard them)

+ Aphex Twin (I think it's dance music...)

+ Salmonella Dub (dub is good)

+ Black Eyed Peas (I thought they were dead)

+ Gerling (aye?)

+ King Kapisi (Kapisi means cabbage)

+ Peachies (???)

+ Goodshirt (kinda crap)

Next Announcement in November or something... The NZ BDO page.

Yeah, so this is my random thing to be obsessed with, even if it isn't for like another 3 months.

I am seriously out of shit to write now, although I am glad to say I have calmed down quite a bit now.

Love,

--Lauren