OK... so the other day Kathryn (random girl I barely talk to but dislike from her stealing my friend, Bevan, ages ago) tells Cam that she knows basiclly everything there is to know about me. She told Cam all that she knows and it turns out she knows as much about me as Cam. So last night Cam asked Kathryn who told her all of this shit and she said Bevan. So Bevan, who was my best friend for like 2 or 3 years and who I trusted completely and who I loved more than nearly anyone, told this girl who I dislike (and who hates me) everything I have ever told him about me. He might as well have given this girl I don't know the URL to this diary and told her to print it all out.

For ages Bevan has been kinda grumpy and moody and has been avoiding me. Like on Wednesday I was in room 1 at lunchtime and Bevan was there. I was sitting pretty much next to him in a group of 6 people and the nearest he came to aknowledging me was when he moved out of the way to let me past when I went to leave. And on Monday I was talking to him in the canteen coz I had no one else to talk to and he was kinda cold and awkward. And after PE on Wednesday (we have PE in the hall which is next to the Rec where they have PE) and I'm like "hey Bevan! I'm gonna follow you, ok?" as I do and he said "I'd rather you didn't" or "no you're not" or something. I always follow Bevan or Jared around and most fo the time they let me.

Grrrr... it all makes sense. But it making sense doesn't make it hurt any less. I mean, when cam told me Kathryn said it was Bevan, it felt like some javlin thrower had just thrown a javlin right through my stomach. Then I started crying. Then I went upstairs and told mum and I cried into her shoulder and I just cried and cried. Then I went and had a shower and went to bed.

I didn't cut coz I was shaking too much and it would've made me feel all nostaligic (don't ask) and sad and pathetic and needy.

I don't see to cut as much when most people would cut off a limb...

Someone from the design site I used for the layout at the %%diary-si-directory%% left me this in the guestbook:

"I appreciate what you're trying to do with this website, (bring together cutters) but this "collection" makes me want to throw up. I feel you're trying to put together a site of things you want to see, and not trying to bring about recovery in sufferers..."

It makes me feel really bad about myself and about the site.

si-directory guestbook or mention it to me or something.

Bah,

Lauren

PS the reason for the short description saying that is that I was overly happy yesterday, I was completly content but Bevam's ruined that.