I don't need help. It's as simple as that. I am fine with this half assed deal with life I have happening. And, as a good friend once said, "it only affects you, Lauren, it doesn't affect anyone else". That is so true. It is. So why the fuck do people think I need help?!? I have a problem, sure, but it is NONE OF THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS!!!

Now I am really worried about what he's gonna do after I denied needing help. I'm worried. Really worried.

I don't want them to care. I really don't. It's not even comforting. it's just confusing and painful. It's adding unnessicery pain to an already painful thing.

And another thing... why am I so fucking stupid and fickle? I asked this guy to have sex with me, I knew he'd say yes. And then I changed my mind. He hates me now, and with good reason. I hate me, everyone else should. The only human contact I should have is as the peice of meat I am. I'm not good for anything else. I'm not even especially good for that.

Also... I accidently let slip something to Alex that I wasn't supposed to know and now I have lost at least one person who was starting to mean something to me. He's a really good dude and I fucked up. I fucked up bad.

And... Sarah chose Brad over Will. So what did I do? I made him hurt more. I made him more depressed. I wondered out loud about about her SI. Will hates self-injury and he loves Sarah. I am such a bitch.

My MSN screen name is "i can only do one thing and that's hurt be people... at least i'm good at it".

Ealier in the evening I was drinking and it nothing except for make me babble.

Stupid, STUPID, STUPID Lauren!!!!!!!

Now no prizes for guessing what i want to do. I don't know if I will cut... but I think it's a big possibility. Though it would kinda defeat the purpose, wouldn't it? And I generally don't cut coz of other people. I really don't.

::SIGH::

Earlier a good yelling song came on the radio so I turned it up as loud as it would go and just sat there.

My mum is so so so wasted. It is sad. And I think she's switched (as in an Alter's taken over) so it makes me really angry.

I want to scream and yell. Like I did last night. But I didn't screm or yell last night. I simply went around with the knife I got from _ben and went around stabbing anything but myself. The I sat down and wrote and wrote and wrote.

I promise that if something goes wrong some of you will see what I wrote.

I want to die.

I just realised that. I would rather die than face everyone and everything.

Anyway... This is kinda cute...

--Lauren

25 THINGS A WOMAN SHOULD NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR:

1. Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want to.

2. Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean

speaking Ebonics.

3. Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just

didn't work out.

4. Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.

5. Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express

yourself.

6. Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly

care about you will accept you as you.

7. Never apologize for being a little frugal sometimes. Just because

you saved your money this time instead of blowing it on the latest

fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.

8. Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.

9. Never apologize for treating yourself to something special.

Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.

10. Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship.

Your safety should always be a priority.

11. Never apologize for keeping the ring even if wedding bells

won't chime.

12. Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship.

You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.

13. Never apologize for saying NO sometimes.

14. Never apologize for asking for what you want in bed.

If you don't, then who will?

15. Never apologize for wearing a weave. You bought it so it's yours.

16. Never apologize to your new friends about old friends.

There's a reason she's been your friend from day one.

17. Never apologize for ordering dessert. Or more than one dessert.

18. Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because

you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't

love your brotha's.

19. Never apologize for asking him to wear a condom. If he likes

you he'll wrap it up without making you feel guilty.

20. Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't

burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out.

21. Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.

22. Never apologize for changing your mind (especially when it doesn't

deliberately hurt other people)

23. Never apologize for exercising your right to choose. It's

your body and your right.

24. Never apologize for making more money than your man, you

work hard and you deserve to get paid.

25. Never apologize for being you!