So last night Will and I (yes, the Will who I went out with for 4 and a half months) were talking on Messenger and we were both lonely and horny... so we decided that I should come over to his today (well when we said it it was tomorrow... bah, you know what I mean) and we were both all happy and shit about it which was kewl. I didn't think it'd be getting back together or anything, so that was all good) to just, yanno, make out and 'whatever'. So this morning I was all happy when I woke up and I got ready (took me ages) and all that then Will called.

Hi, I said enthusiasticlly.

Ummm, hi, came the hesitant reply. My face fell, I knew why he'd call.

Lauren, I've changed my mind.

Whatever.

Look, I'm sorry.

What... ever.

Sorry.

Bye.

Then I hung up, swung around and bashed my fist into the wooden door next to me like 3 time as hard as I could.

I now have a rather large lump on the bottom knuckle on my middle finger on my left hand. It is pruple-ish.

Then I started crying and crying and crying. I went into my room and got my blade, my lighter, a bandage, a jersey to put on when I was done and I box of tissues. Then I went back into the lounge, sat down cross-legged on the floor, put everything down, pulled up my skirt so that I wouldn't burn it or get blood on it and picked up my lighter. I burned just below my elbow, but I wasn't into it much, I fliched too easily. So I picked up the blood and cut. The 1st one was really wide, then I did like 8 or 9 more.

At first I whipped the blood off with a tissue, but there was too much so I just strategiclly placed the bandages on the floor below my arm. The blood dripped onto the bandages. It was just like my arm was crying. Then I roughly rapped a bandage around the cuts, careful to tuck in the ends of the bandage, I had no intention of lighting my arm on fire (contrary to popular belief). Then I burnt. 4 burns.

The first one is a just a slight tinge of red on my arm. But the next three are a bit smaller and 1cm²or so. They are almost identical.

So there ya have it, I SI'd because of a guy I don't even like that much anymore... Pathetic, completly and utterly pathetic.

I told David (American net friend) my real age. I'd told him I was 17 or 18 or something (I don't remember which) coz he's quite a bit older than me. I'd convinced myself he was gonna flip.

Good guy.

I hate to write more about cutting, but I am out of things to write about. It is scary how lately when cut I don''t actually feel any pain what-so-ever. Not so much as a sting. Burning is good for pain now-a-days. I am right, it has escalated quickly. It'll prolly continue to as well. Burning is alot tidier than cutting when ya actually do it which is a plus. But it is a hell of a lot messier when it's healing. Ah well, I have that gel my doc gave me to stop me getting blood poisoning.

Anyone know what the fuck blood poisoning is?

Lauren