Ok, I am useless. I can't help myself and I can't help anyone else. i can't stop a friend of mine downing pills, I can't stop myself having panic attacks and nightmares. So what do I do? I cut. I went to the bathroom to throw up and failed because I am pathetic, though i did try to go to a pro ana/ mia site for tips but there was some notice about how we should all forget about our problems and things because it's September the fucking 11th in America. Yay let's all pretend that we love America for a day because they GOT WHAT WAS COMING TO THEM!

God does not only bless America!!!

So... umm... I failed to throw up the pasta I'd had so I turned Linkin Park on loud, rolled up my sleves and got the razor. I cut a couple of times quite shallow but the blade was thin so they bleed lots. The blood looked so cool in the hand basin and I didn't wanna lose my blood down the drain just yet so i put the plug in. It was nice. And I painted some of my face. I am sickening. I sicken myself. After a while I washed all the blood off and cleaned up, put a bandage on and came back downstairs.

I should change the subject. But I won't.

Mostly.

I should have gone to school today, my own company is terrible for me. I hate being at home. be it with someone else or by myself. Makes me lonely, spaced out, urgy and, often, suicidal.

"Now I flinch and we all float face down... Don't ever let life pass you by"

Thanks radio, I love you too. Good song though, excellent video.

Reminds me why my knuckles are sore. I was screaming in the bathroom when I was thinking maybe I wouldn't cut so I slammed my fist into the wall yelling "FUCK YOU!" at the top of my lungs. I hate my voice. It is so fucking high pitched.

Song.

By myself by Linkin Park

.

What do I do to ignore them behind me?

Do I follow my instincts blindly?

Do I hide my pride / from these bad dreams

And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?

Do I / sit here and try to stand it?

Or do I / try to catch them red - handed?

Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,

Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?

Because I can’t hold on / when I’m stretched so thin

I make the right moves but I’m lost within

I put on my daily façade but then

I just end up getting hurt again

.

by myself [myself]

I ask why, but in my mind

I find I can’t rely on myself

.

[myself]

I ask why, but in my mind

I find I can’t rely on myself

.

I can’t hold on

To what I want when I’m stretched so thin

It’s all too much to take in

I can’t hold on

To anything watching everything spin

With thoughts of failure sinking in

.

If I

Turn my back I’m defenseless

And to go blindly seems senseless

If I hide my pride and let it all go on / then they’ll

Take from me ‘till everything is gone

If I let them go I’ll be outdone

But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun

If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer

Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer

.

[by myself]

[myself]

I ask why, but in my mind

I find I can’t rely on myself

[myself]

I ask why, but in my mind

I find I can’t rely on myself

.

I can’t hold on

To what I want when I’m stretched so thin

It’s all too much to take in

I can’t hold on

To anything watching everything spin

With thoughts of failure sinking in

.

How do you think / I’ve lost so much

I’m so afraid / I’m out of touch

How do you expect / I will know what to do

When all I know / Is what you tell me to

Don’t you (know)

I can’t tell you how to make it (go)

No matter what I do, how hard I (try)

I can’t seem to convince myself (why)

I’m stuck on the outside

.

How do you think / I’ve lost so much

I’m so afraid / I’m out of touch

How do you expect / I will know what to do

When all I know / Is what you tell me to

Don’t you(know)

I can’t tell you how to make it (go)

No matter what I do, how hard I (try)

I can’t seem to convince myself (why)

I’m stuck on the outside

.

I can’t hold on

To what I want when I’m stretched so thin

It’s all too much to take in

I can’t hold on

To anything watching everything spin

With thoughts of failure sinking in

.

I can’t hold on

To what I want when I’m stretched so thin

It’s all too much to take in

I can’t hold on

To anything watching everything spin

With thoughts of failure sinking...